


butterflies?

by kcsantos



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, apologizing in advance, but here's some kissing for Valentine's Day, don't know what this is, somewhat? who knows honestly everything is quite vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29441886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcsantos/pseuds/kcsantos
Summary: That smile unknotted something inside of her and right then, years later, she finally understood.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Levi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 69





	butterflies?

“Mikasa…?” tentatively came Sasha’s voice in the darkness of their shared room. “Are you awake?” She was whispering, and Mikasa sighed because she could hear it and she would rather be, in fact, asleep but she was not, and she did not like pretending so she mumbled a reply and Sasha went on, “I’m trying to sleep, but I can’t stop thinking about something… Mikasa, have you ever kissed any boys?”

The question startled her. “…If I kissed any boys?”

“Or girls! Anyone really… Have you?”

A pause.

“No.”

“Oh.”

“You?”

“No.” Sasha let out a sigh mingled with a chuckle. “But I want to… I think I’d very much like to kiss someone, especially because we could die any moment and I don’t want to miss any experiences and I think if I find a boy who wants to kiss me, I should just go for it, don’t you think?”

In all honesty, kissing has never been something that crossed Mikasa’s mind as much as it seems to be on Sasha’s. She was a soldier, constantly in the brink of death, always fighting and alert. There was so much blood around, so much that sometimes that was all she could see. And there was Eren and Armin, she had to take care of them, protect them, keep them alive. For as long as she has been a soldier it seemed to her that some things were reserved for the people living normal lives inside the walls instead of people who risked their lives fighting Titans and seeing so much death daily. Kissing, like many other things, was a luxury that girls like her could not afford.

But listening to Sasha right then, she wondered if that was true. She did not want to tell any of those things to Sasha.

“Mikasa? You still there?”

“Sorry, just thinking.”

Sasha turned around on her bed, rustling the sheets. Mikasa could feel the excitement of what she was about to say from across the room. “I’m going to do it. You will see! I refuse to go on the next expedition without knowing how it feels.”

Mikasa had no doubts that the girl would do it. And so, there was no surprise when Sasha came inside their room the next night a bit later than she usually did, smiling from ear to ear. A happy squeal bursting out of her when she told Mikasa that she had cornered Connie after dinner and upon confronting the boy over his interest, she placed her hands on his shoulders and planted a kiss on his open mouth.

It dawned on Mikasa then that the whole time Sasha had a single boy on her mind, that it was not so much about kissing, but kissing Connie.

The thought was unsettling, not because of Sasha’s feelings for Connie but because it made Mikasa realize that maybe she ought to feel the same. Did she not? While Sasha rambles about it, Mikasa’s eyes went to her pillow and the red scarf laying beside it, folded carefully.

 _Eren_ …

She loved him, there was no doubting that. But why had she never considered kissing him? Maybe it was because she has spent so much time convincing herself that she should not have those things in her life, that it was not for people like her, that she never thought about it. Maybe keeping him alive and protecting him clouded her mind from everything else.

“Sasha, what made you want to kiss him?” Mikasa found herself wondering it aloud.

Sasha giggled, and the sight itself was enough for Mikasa to draw the conclusion that some things she was never going to understand, but the answer she was given made even less sense.

“When he looks at me it feels like there’s a thousand butterflies in my stomach.”

“Butterflies?” _Really?_

Sasha giggled, again. “And when he touches me, heat spreads on my skin…” She had a faraway look, as if she were recounting the event on her mind and Mikasa decided it was better to leave her be. She had a lot on her own mind.

Few minutes later when she lay down to sleep, Mikasa held the scarf in her chest, pressed it close to her heart and felt more confused than ever.

(…)

The confusion lasted only as far as the next expedition.

When her scream pierced the place around them, when Armin had tears in his eyes and an expression that matched hers, when he held Eren as careful and desperate as she did… Mikasa understood.

Devotion and love. Unconditional. Friends. _Family_.

* * *

“ _Oi_ , Ackerman. Maybe if you paid attention you would be able to pick up your slack. This is embarrassing… Are you even listening?”

She was not.

“Yes, _sir_.”

“ _Tsk_.”

One of these days, she was going to kill their Captain and feel no remorse. All the other recruits were staring at her, ass on the floor, breath ragged, blood spilling from the cut on her left eyebrow, her ears ringing. And Captain Levi stood over her, looking as impassive as ever. She wondered, not for the first time, if he ever felt anything…

“Are you okay?” She looked up expecting Armin and found Jean.

Mikasa sat on the bathroom floor, a cloth in her hand that she used to clean her face, wanting to be left alone or at least avoid _him_ for a while. She looked at Jean, hesitantly standing by the door, concern on his face. She pondered if she should just ask him to leave her alone. No matter if he did not want to, he would do as she asked.

 _Jean_ …

She looked down on the bloodied cloth before answering. “Yes. It’s nothing really, I’ve had worse.”

Encouraged by her reply, he stepped inside and slowly sat beside her.

“Please, don’t get mad at me for saying this… I think the Captain would be less hard on you if you defied him less.” Jean said that without looking at her, he probably knew he was stepping into a nest by starting that conversation.

Mikasa, for reasons unclear to her, remembered then of that time she encouraged Historia to hit their Captain and how he had against all her expectations, surprised everyone by smiling in front of them.

Jean was rambling by her side and Mikasa stopped him by finally meeting his gaze. He stared at her with his mouth open for a few seconds before averting his eyes. After that, it was quiet for a moment. It was not awkward, but it was not exactly comfortable either. Mikasa sighed and Jean looked up at her again.

He cleared his throat. “You still have… There’s a bit of blood here…” He gestured to his own chin. But before Mikasa could lift the cloth to clean it herself, she felt Jean’s hand lifting her chin gently, unsure, expecting her to swat him away. His trembling fingers cleaning the drops of blood drying on her skin.

She stared at him and saw his breath catch on his throat. It did not go unnoticed how much that moment meant to him, but to Mikasa it was nothing. No butterflies and no heat. Though she felt a detached curiosity when his eyes flickered to her mouth and she wondered if he was going to kiss her. Mostly she felt that it would be unfair to him, to let him believe she could ever feel anything close to what he hoped for.

Mikasa looked down and his fingers fell from her chin. Jean muttered an apology, she told him not to worry. He left afterwards but Mikasa stayed there a while more, her mind racing full of thoughts of kisses and heat and the lack of butterflies in her empty stomach. When she finally left the bathroom, distracted and looking down at the cloth in her hands, she collided with someone outside of the door.

Strong hands held her arms to steady her and she looked up to find Captain Levi’s slate eyes looking at her. He was so close; she could feel his breath on her face, and something knotted itself inside of her.

“Watch where you’re going, _brat_.” Captain Levi said and dropped his hands, but not before they briefly touched her own. The touch a whisper but she felt it regardless, like a tiny bolt of lightning. It registered then, that he had never touched her bare skin before, not like that.

“I’m sorry, sir.” Mikasa said and walked away before he could say anything else.

When she locked herself inside the room, she could feel her heart racing and her face was burning, it was like her body could not slow down.

“Mikasa?” Sasha’s worried gaze met hers, still standing against the door as if to guard it and stop whatever it was chasing her from coming inside. “Is everything alright? You look… A bit red… Did you eat anything weird? Does your stomach feel funny?”

 _Oh no_.

* * *

After years of stubborn suppression, it was bound to come out eventually.

Mikasa was sure of that, no matter how she tried to convince herself otherwise. And yet knowing could never have prepared her for any of it. How overwhelming it felt, how all-consuming, how none of her dreams and fantasies (and there has been plenty over the last few years) could come close to reality.

 _Captain Levi_ …

His thumb slowly traced her lips, her breathing sounding incredibly loud to her ears, but he did not seem to mind, much on the contrary. He observed every single one of her reactions as if watching her tortuous undoing was his favorite pastime.

Mikasa met his eyes and the heat there mirrored her own, she knew, and it took her breath away. _Please_ …

As if reading her mind, Levi pulled her closer. The hand on her waist pressing her against his body until there was no space left between them. His other hand snaked itself behind her neck, angling it down, closer to his mouth.

Her skin was _burning_.

He was incredibly solid and strong against her, his hands sure and confident. And when his lips finally met hers, Mikasa felt as if she was going to combust. Any butterflies in her body were probably dead because of the inferno that raged inside of her. The kiss was firm but gentle, controlled, reassuring that her inexperience did not matter. And Mikasa grew bolder, she has always been a quick learner. She grabbed a handful of his hair, amazed at how soft it felt against her fingers. He hummed against her lips and it spurred her on. Mikasa wrapped her other arm around his shoulders and pulled him impossibly closer to her. Her whole body was pressed and leaning down against his. His stature mattered not, he fit against her perfectly and he knew how to use his body so well… And somewhere in the back of her mind, Mikasa laughed at her teenager self.

 _Levi_.

She smiled against his lips and he took that opportunity to run his tongue against her bottom lip and when she opened her mouth to welcome him, he accepted it with a hunger that surprised her. But it did not scare her because it matched her own.

Captain Levi, always impassive, not letting anything show and always condescending towards her… Now kissing her as if he has thought about it a lot. As if he, too, was proving to himself that imagination had nothing on reality.

He kissed her deeply, so thoroughly, that she felt her knees weaken and she had to hold onto him tighter or she would fall. As if sensing that, he pulled her up making her wrap her legs around him, holding her against his body effortlessly.

“This okay?” He asked against her lips, searching her eyes and her heart ached over how much he cared, how he wanted to make it as comfortable for her as he could.

 _Levi_.

Mikasa nodded and pressed her lips on his again, slowly and gently and it was his turn to smile. That smile unknotted something inside of her and right then, years later, she finally understood.

It was not so much about kissing but kissing the one you want.

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language and I've never wrote for this pairing before so please bear with me lol I hope you enjoyed :)


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